addicted // letters to my be-lov-ed, unsent :) //


I keep having this recurrent dream. You come to meet me. You wave your hand, and I smile from the window. You go into the building to climb up the stairs, and I rush to the door to greet you. But, somehow, you never make it.

Sometimes, the mind plays tricks on you. It finds the one thing you're addicted to, and then uses it to break you apart. There must be a good reason, because why would the mind want to destroy itself?

We're all addicted, though. We all know that. Those who don't, are too addicted to find out.

April 16. I tell you I love you. You just... smile. Communication was built to avoid exactly this, Lila.

Addiction is a trap.

June 18. You look at me. I look at you. We smile. We look away, together.

Addiction pulls you in slowly. It gives you joy. Peace. Whatever you seek.

September 14. You tell me you love me. I... freeze. Almost like I'm capturing the moment, to hold on to the moment before it flies away. I tell you I love you too. You smile the brightest smile. Or maybe my high-on-hormones brain decides to make a biased conclusion to give me the most happiness.

Addiction changes reality. It makes neons brighter and scents sweeter.

November 8. We hug. We bid goodbye.

Addiction makes up your new normal. It refuses to let you change its significance. It wants you to give in. It makes it easy to give in.

February 12. We fight. I smile. It's one of those desperate smiles that you put on instead of admitting you only wish to die, only wish this moment to end. You leave the table.

Addiction makes you forget what's wrong. But, sometimes you don't care about wrongs and rights. You do whatever it takes.

April 21. We're too busy with our mundane lives to look at the important. It's only fair.

Addiction establishes what is fair. It makes you lose everything, to win one thing. But it is you who loses.

In my recurrent dream, I run down the stairs, but you aren't anywhere to be found. I see you lying on the floor. Blood around your head. A bit on your face. And with it, a smile.

May 16. I leave you. You smile.

Why did you ever smile, Lila?

addicted // letters to my be-lov-ed, unsent :) //
Written by Yash Raj Talan


[note to self: you smiled when you said you hate her, and she smiled when you said you really didn't]

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