i still want our sky //letters to lila, unsent//


Lila, 

Three hundred and forty days ago, you looked at the sky, and then to me, and said, 'I love you from here.'

The lilacs of the old, red house with the barren garden still smell musky. The flickering streetlight we would lean against when it rained, and pretend it was not raining, and that we were warm enough, and that our hearts were warm enough, too; it's still there, only, fixed, shining bright every blue night. And the 23 pictures we took at that small photo studio with the vintage camera? They're still there, waiting to be collected.

Love takes people places. How long has it been? I ask not to seek an answer. I already know. Lila, you were my vacation. I just wished it would never end. And I wished I would wake up relaxed every day, in the calm of you, away from their hurricane reality. And then, slowly, I ran out of wishes. And then, suddenly, I ran out of you.

Am I back from the vacation? I'm not sure. I'm still going places. Wherever love takes me, actually. You see, sometimes the capacity to love is not the same as love itself. I cannot reason this. I do not know how. I never needed to know.

I'm still stuck calculating, though. Seven months since I last went to our favourite table at your favourite restaurant. Three weeks since my happy moment. One and a half days since my last breakdown. Three hours since I started playing our song on loop. Twenty three minutes since my tears started, and I could still function. Eleven seconds since I last whispered your name to my empty wall.

This is all irrelevant. My calculations are historically insignificant. The past screams in a locked room, and the house is almost always abandoned for a better, bigger place. Probably.

I still need an answer, though. Maybe it will make me stay, and not stay anymore. That would be good for both of us. All I ask is, 'Do you still love me till here?'

I still want our sky
//letters to lila, unsent//
Written by Yash Raj Talan

[note to self: love shall take you places. always]


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