reasons why i stare at fallen leaves


I imagine roads must be litmus tests
To see if I still hurt, and they always say positive
Which means I still have to kill
A little more of myself, to see myself in all the darkness;
It means I have to fill
A few more holes before sand pours me out dry
Before I fall apart ever so quiet.

I cross roads looking around thrice,
And once behind me,
Because I fear something from not just inside me pushing me,
And I fear not stopping, and always stopping,
And too much sunshine, and too little pain,
And I fear it'll be quick and certain and ugly and split
And fragmented and broken and staked and baited
And each time I cross it all fine,
Without another panic attack,
I have already imagined my death twice.

So tell me to cross the road,
And tell me to hold your hand,
And I'll tell you I don't like it,
Because I don't trust myself with hands anymore,
Not these fingers, not half as much in daylight as at night,
And I'll tell you it's so easy to get to the other side,
But the problem is not being successful in getting there,
the problem is,
Most times, I'm already at the other side.

reasons why i stare at fallen leaves
Written by Yash Raj Talan


[note to self: sometimes, the people who are at crossroads with you, find their way to you through the same confusion. sometimes, it works out. cross the roads.]

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